joy beyond clouds

The core of my being is a ball of light that vibrates with joy. Much of the time, the dark shadow of depression obscures it, makes me forget that the core exists. At those times, I think the darkness is all I am or ever will be. But there are moments when I’m able to step away from dark thoughts and feelings. I can see that my inner light is like the sun. It’s always there even when clouds obscure it. That this darkness is some trick of mind and/or biology which is not me. I am the sun, not the clouds. I need to remember this.

trees and grass field under cloudy sky during daytime
Photo by Tahir Shaw on


reminder to myself

It’s so easy to fall into despair when watching the news. I don’t know if it’s the news’ propensity to focus on doom and gloom or my tendency to ruminate over negativity that plunges me into dark places. Probably an unfortunate combination of the two.

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on

Either way, I end up scared, angry, or dispirited and diving into an emotional tailspin. (Because scared, angry, and dispirited are just the opening act.) Not that you’d know I’m in a tailspin by looking at me. On the surface, I’m as cool as a cucumber. It’s inside that I’m roiling in dark emotion.

I inevitably end up in a line of thinking/feeling that questions the purpose of life and people, including me. The emotional roads I travel in those moments take me into bleak places.

Then a strange thing happens. Out of nowhere that still inner voice takes hold, pulls me back from the abyss every time my brain dangles me over the precipice to hell. As corny as it sounds, that inner voice reminds me of the beauty people are capable of and that the planet is abundant in.

I remind myself that if I’m so dissatisfied with the world and myself, I need to find some way to make it a better place. To make myself a better person. Then, I remind myself that I need to spend at least as much time feeding my brain positivity as it does negativity.

Sometimes it’s as simple as just turning off the news and taking a walk outside.