hiding and fashion vomit

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“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
~e.e. cummings

I have a tendency to hide. You might be hard pressed to believe that when you see the purple hair and my propensity for atypical attire. Even my husband accuses me of begging for attention. I do get attention. Sometimes, others approach to compliment my choices. Sometimes, others point at me and snicker. Either form of attention feels uncomfortable but mostly the reactions surprise me because I forget what I look like or why it matters what I look like when I feel good in my skin. I simply feel good.

When I wear a vomit of colorful fabric billowing around me, I feel most vibrant and alive… and myself. However, put me in neutral, mainstream clothing and you might as well hold my head under water. While it generally has the benefit of not drawing undue attention, wearing it makes me feel lifeless and, ironically, so uncomfortable in my skin that I feel I stick out like a sore thumb. Or like I’m wearing a straitjacket. In the end, I acquiesce to the unwanted attention in order to express myself in a way that floods me with life. And I’m convinced that if the world I live in lived in the technicolor I love, I could wear what I wanted to wear without feeling so exposed.

So why write a blog when what I profess is a preference to hide? The short answer is that although hiding seems safe it wreaks havoc on the soul. It suffocates. What I need to do is live in color, like the clothes that let me breathe in life. So, I’m easing into the water by writing a blog no one knows about while running the very real risk of someone finding this stuff before I’m ready. And I’ll probably never be ready but this is a start. I hope to discover my voice, work out some story ideas, find my bearings. I’m not sure where else I’ll go with this thing. Just taking it one step at a time. I’ll also throw out some art/craft projects that I think friends might enjoy. See where that goes… Eventually.

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