Virgil and Sharon Smith measure their day by television programming. As they tell guests during commercial breaks, “…two o’clock is Bonzai Gunslingers. Then at three we watch Entitled Rich 1950’s Girl Pseudodrama. After that is Guess the Price of This Crap…”
From morning to night their day is jam-packed.
Right now, it’s 8:23 on Wednesday evening. The Smiths are in the middle of watching the news on the only station they can trust: the Lion News Network.
“And now for news on the lighter side… The stupid half of the country has fallen for another ridiculous story.”
Sharon straightened up in her comfortable chair. “Virgil, are you listening?”
Stormer, the Lion News host, continued, “Some people will stop at nothing to make our glorious leader’s greatest accomplishments look like failures. Everyone knows our great leader, who is better than any leader that ever was or ever will be, has completely transformed our relationship with the former Axis-of-Evil Club member.”
“Buncha dummies. Always picking on our guy when he’s the only one who could pull off making that little fella our new BFF,” Sharon said.
“This time the…” Stormer looks off-camera, “can we say ‘card-carrying idiots’?” He looks back to the camera, “Well, this time they think our new BFF has launched nuclear missiles straight for our beautiful, great-again nation.”
“Who’d be dumb enough to believe our new BFF would bomb us?” Sharon asked the TV.
Stormer continued, “We received a tweet moments ago from our divine ruler, who is better than Jesus and probably responsible for creating God, that reads,” Stormer looks down at a piece of paper, “‘There is no way DB would send bombs unless they were. Banana! BFFs FOREVER!!!!'” Stormer looks into the camera, “As a reminder, DB is short for “Da Bomb” which is the nickname our truly divine ruler gave to our new BFF. The missiles are apparently filled with mashed bananas, not nuclear weapons. It’s an inside joke between two fruit-loving besties.
“The gist is that those missiles are not weapons of mass destruction.” Stormer pauses and chuckles, “Unless you mean the delicious destruction they’ll do to your waistline.”
“Virgil, get my bread pans out of the cabinet, would you?”
At the next commercial, Virgil found the pans and set them out on the kitchen counter.
They continued to watch their regular programming, enhanced by the warm glow of contentment which was based, in part, on always being right.
life in jello 